Politics
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Democrats Continue Strategy of Sending Old People with Monotone Voices on Stage in Hopes of Lulling MAGA Supporters to Sleep
“A nice long nap is what we all need,” says campaign strategist. In a bold continuation of their failed 2024 campaign strategy, Democratic leaders have doubled down on sending elderly politicians with exceedingly calm, monotone voices to the stage in a deliberate attempt to wear down and lull MAGA supporters into a peaceful, restorative nap. Read more
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President Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Pet Owners to Turn in Animals for National Sustenance
Washington D.C. — In an unprecedented move, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order that requires all pet owners to turn in their beloved animals—be they cats, dogs, guinea pigs, rabbits, or even horses—so they may be used to help feed the nation. The order, called “Feed America, Again,” has sparked a nationwide outcry, Read more
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Trump Announces New Line of Diapers for Elderly Billionaires: “The Future of Comfort”
February 24, 2025 — In a move that has left both supporters and critics scratching their heads, President Donald Trump has announced the launch of a new product line designed specifically for elderly billionaires: luxury diapers. The new brand, dubbed “TrumPants,” promises to offer unparalleled comfort and convenience for the wealthiest of Americans. “Let me Read more
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President Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring Those Who Can’t Afford Medication to Battle for It in Arena-Style Combat
Washington, D.C. — In a move that has left the nation both confused and horrified, President Trump signed an executive order this week mandating that Americans who cannot afford their prescription medication will now be required to ‘fight for their survival’ in an arena similar to the one seen in the 1985 film Mad Max: Read more
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Headline: Trump Declares Himself “Sin-Free” After Deep Self-Reflection: “I Don’t Even Know What Sin Is”
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking press conference earlier today, President Donald Trump boldly declared that he is “completely and utterly sin-free,” asserting that his personal “spiritual” journey has led him to the conclusion that sin simply doesn’t apply to him. “I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, folks,” Trump began, standing behind a Read more
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Elon Musk’s DOGE Now Requires Federal Workers to Log Bathroom Breaks, Docking Pay to “Save Taxpayer Money”
Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to “maximize productivity and save taxpayer dollars,” Elon Musk announced today that federal employees are now required to log their bathroom breaks using a new DOGE-powered app. According to Musk, this measure is part of his latest initiative to reduce government spending. “Every minute spent away from the Read more
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Trump Announces New Plan to “Make Education Great Again” by Replacing Textbooks with Instagram Influencers
In a bold move to “revolutionize” the American education system, President Donald Trump unveiled a new educational reform plan on Saturday aimed at making schools more “fun” and “relevant to today’s youth.” According to sources close to Trump, the new plan will completely overhaul traditional textbooks and replace them with Instagram and X influencers, viral Read more
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Secretary of State Marco Rubio Lost in South American Jungle, Task Force was Created for Russian Meetings in the Middle East
Washington, D.C. — In an unexpected turn of events during his diplomatic tour of South America, Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reported missing for several hours in a dense jungle. Sources close to Rubio confirm that the incident occurred while he was attempting to “take some personal alone time.” Rubio’s wandering occurred during a Read more
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