Elite
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O, Chuck! What Do We Do Now?
Charlie Brown Schumer, Peppermint Patty AOC, and Lucy Trump in the Great Government Shutdown Debate March 15, 2025 WASHINGTON, D.C. – The halls of Congress turned into a Peanuts comic strip this week as Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (a.k.a. Charlie Brown) once again found himself caught between a rock, a hard place, and a Read more
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Story Time: The Dumpster King
By: The Story Time Storytellers Once upon a time, in a world not too different from our own, there was a man whose name we shall not use. Instead we will refer to him as the title he was eventually given and is now remembered for all time: The Dumpster King. He was born into Read more
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Breaking News: Adrien Brody Still Delivering 2025 Academy Award Acceptance Speech, AI Called In to “Wrap It Up”
Los Angeles, CA — In an unprecedented turn of events at the 2025 Academy Awards, multiple reports confirm that actor Adrien Brody is still on stage delivering his acceptance speech for Best Actor. As of this report, Brody has been speaking uninterrupted for over six days, much to the confusion and disbelief of both the Read more
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Elon Musk Threatens to Fine Homeowners for Keeping Space Trash After Starship Explosion
By Galactic Insider In a bold and unusual move, Elon Musk has announced that SpaceX will begin issuing fines to homeowners who fail to return space debris that falls onto their property. The decision comes just days after SpaceX’s Starship rocket exploded in mid-air during its second failed launch of the year, showering the Caribbean Read more
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OPINION: From Roosevelt to Reality TV: How America Went from a Fearless Rough Rider to a Big, Fat Cowardly Orange Man in the White House
In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, America had Teddy Roosevelt, a man whose testosterone was so high it practically oozed out of his pores and made him immune to basic human frailty like “fatigue” or “being afraid.” Known for his Rough Rider spirit, Roosevelt charged into battle, built the Panama Canal with nothing Read more
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Elon Musk Gives Federal Workers One More Chance to Have the Special Opportunity to Come Rub His Feet: “It’s the Chance of a Lifetime! These Feet Are Like Gold!”
In an unprecedented move that’s leaving Washington buzzing, tech mogul, head of DOGE and billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk has announced that federal employees will once again have a rare chance to personally visit him and rub his feet. Musk, known for his unconventional antics, says this is not just any foot massage — it’s a Read more
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Trump Seen Running Through White House Halls Wearing Diaper, Screaming “Nobody Backs Baby in a Corner!”
Washington, D.C. — February 25, 2025 — In what can only be described as an unusual and perplexing scene, President Donald Trump was reportedly seen sprinting through the halls of the White House yesterday afternoon, wearing nothing but a diaper and shouting, “Nobody backs baby in a corner!” Sources inside the White House say that Read more
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Trump Announces New Line of Diapers for Elderly Billionaires: “The Future of Comfort”
February 24, 2025 — In a move that has left both supporters and critics scratching their heads, President Donald Trump has announced the launch of a new product line designed specifically for elderly billionaires: luxury diapers. The new brand, dubbed “TrumPants,” promises to offer unparalleled comfort and convenience for the wealthiest of Americans. “Let me Read more
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