WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what sources are calling both a spiritual awakening and a public relations disaster, Stephen Miller, White House deputy chief of staff for policy, reportedly experienced a “brief moment of human emotion” this week after discovering through Ancestry.com that he is, in fact, directly descended from Satan.
“I was hoping for something noble, like Vlad the Impaler or Jeff Bezos,” Miller muttered while furiously refreshing the page, which listed his 7th great-uncle as “Lucifer, Lightbringer, Ruler of the Bottomless Pit.”
Witnesses say Miller initially dismissed the results as a “deep state hack” before privately emailing Ancestry.com support with the subject line: “IS THIS BINDING?”
“It’s not uncommon for people to discover surprising things in their family trees,” said Ancestry spokesperson Elaine Graber. “Though Mr. Miller is the first to receive a match with an entity whose birth location is listed as ‘Lake of Fire, 666 Hades Lane.’”
The findings have sent ripples through Washington, with several GOP members quietly updating their own profiles out of “curiosity, not concern.” Meanwhile, Miller is reportedly leaning into his infernal lineage, having already launched a PAC called “Pitchforks for Freedom.”
As of press time, Miller was seen Googling “Can the Antichrist run for office in 2028?”
FakeTruth4U 
Leave a comment