Vice President J.D. Vance Declares Arctic Cold “Cold as Sh*t,” Similar to His Formal Intelligence Test Revealing Him to be “Dumb as Sh*t”

During a recent visit to the Pituffik Space Base in Greenland, Vice President J.D. Vance made an unforgettable statement, summing up the harsh Arctic conditions in just three words: “It’s cold as sh*t!” The remark was met with nods of agreement from those nearby, though some skeptics wondered if Vance’s comments were more a reflection of his own intellectual temperament than the actual temperature.

Vance’s reputation for bluntness is no secret, but it was his performance on a formal intelligence test administered prior to his White House appointment that left many reeling. According to sources close to the Vice President, the results were as direct as his language. The assessment, designed to gauge the mental acuity of presidential candidates, determined that Vance was “dumb as sh*t.”

“Well, it’s no surprise,” said one anonymous White House aide. “The test was rigorous, but it turns out Vance really struggles with anything that involves reasoning, pattern recognition, or, frankly, basic comprehension.” Another source close to the situation added, “It’s pretty impressive how he can simultaneously make a grand declaration about Arctic weather and completely miss the point of a two-question intelligence exam.”

Despite these revelations, Vance remains undeterred in his public duties. The Vice President’s office has issued a statement acknowledging the test results but stressing that “dumb as sh*t” is a relative term in the high-stakes political world.

“We believe Vice President Vance’s unique perspective on global affairs is precisely what the country needs,” said a spokesperson. “His ability to cut through complex issues with direct, unfiltered statements like ‘cold as sh*t’ is exactly why he was chosen to be a leader on the national stage.”

As for Vance’s future, political analysts are divided. Some believe that his straightforwardness will resonate with voters tired of traditional political speak, while others argue that his lack of intellectual depth could be a liability in the long run. Many experts have stated the test results explain how he became Vice President. “They were seeking another idiot,” said a psychological expert who wished to remain anonymous. “An idiot is exactly what they got.”

In the meantime, the Vice President continues to visit extreme environments, having already planned trips to both the Saharan desert and an Antarctic research station. “It’s hot as hell,” he promised to report from the former. Which he may need to get used to, as hell is where many believe he will be forced to enjoy for eternity.