March 16, 2025 – In a stunning turn of events, historians from around the globe descended into a full-blown brawl after a bold claim by one of their own — that modern historians no longer adhere to the rigid discipline of reporting facts and evidence, but instead inject their personal beliefs and opinions into their work.
The scene, described by onlookers as “a WWE-style, no-holds-barred spectacle,” unfolded at the International Conference of Historical Accuracy, an event previously known for its staid discussions and polite academic banter. But when renowned historian, Dr. Nigel Templeton, made his fiery statement, “Historians today are just looking for a platform to spout their own beliefs, not present evidence,” all hell broke loose.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said conference security guard Bob Jansen. “One second, they’re discussing the Battle of Hastings like professionals, and the next second, there’s an all-out brawl. There were headlocks, body slams, and even a flying elbow drop onto a stack of first edition Greek texts. Should’ve been on pay-per-view.”
The altercation began when Templeton, author of Facts, No Feelings: The Rigor of History, unleashed the controversial statement in response to a panel discussion about the portrayal of colonial history. The remark sparked an immediate response from Dr. Harriet Montgomery, a renowned advocate of post-colonial theory, who threw her notes in the air and lunged at Templeton.
“It’s not personal beliefs,” Montgomery shot back as she performed a perfect dropkick into Templeton’s chair. “It’s about context! It’s about acknowledging the lived experience of the people who were there, and the narrative that history often erases!”
Within seconds, the debate escalated into full-on chaos. Dr. Timothy Walker, a respected medieval scholar, attempted to intervene but was taken down by a surprise flying tackle from Dr. Karen Fairchild, a 19th-century social history expert who had apparently been waiting her whole career for a physical confrontation.
“It was a mess,” said an eyewitness. “I saw Dr. Walker being shoved into a cart of library books while Dr. Fairchild screamed something about ‘historical materialism.’ It was like watching your favorite documentary series on meth.”
Security struggled to maintain control, with several historians wielding their ancient textbooks as improvised weapons. “I saw Dr. Emily Rosenblatt from the Princeton History Department use her 1920s feminist critique book like a bat,” said one observer. “She got one of them right in the face. It was brutal.”
Despite the chaos, the rumble seemed to unite the historians on one point: that history is far from a passive recounting of facts, but rather an interpretive and often deeply personal exercise. That said, no one could agree on how to make sense of Templeton’s challenge.
“The fight got so heated, we all just agreed to take a break and get back to our primary sources,” said Dr. Montgomery as she bandaged her arm. “I guess we’ll all come to some sort of consensus eventually. Or we won’t. That’s the beauty of historical debate.”
Templeton, now seen sporting a black eye and clutching a copy of The Oxford Handbook of Historical Method, was unavailable for comment. However, sources close to him report that he plans to release a new book titled The Only History That Matters: The One I Tell You, which will likely cause more friction among his peers.
As the dust settles, one thing is clear: this clash of academic titans will be remembered as the day history was made, literally — in more ways than one.
The conference organizers have confirmed that next year’s event will feature a much stricter “no contact” policy.
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