In a groundbreaking study just published in Science, researchers have revealed a shocking truth: the majority of human beings currently living on Earth are “crazy”—or, as the scientific community has more formally put it, suffering from acute psychological impairments and extreme, violent social emotional disabilities.
The study, led by Dr. Herman Flicker, a leading psychologist at the University of Unnamed Findings, suggests that nearly 95% of the human population exhibits signs of what the team is calling “Global Dysfunction Syndrome” (GDS), characterized by erratic behaviors, overreaction to trivial events, and an overwhelming tendency to destroy the planet while binge-watching reality TV.
Dr. Flicker explained, “It’s actually quite alarming. When you look at how people react to minor inconveniences—like a delayed flight or a bad WiFi connection—it becomes clear that we’re dealing with something far beyond mild frustration. We’re talking about severe emotional volatility and an inability to rationalize in even the simplest of scenarios.”
The study’s data was collected over a period of three years from over 10,000 participants worldwide, including people from every social class, culture, and profession. Results revealed that the majority of individuals are not just dealing with the occasional existential crisis; rather, they’re living in a permanent state of manic emotional distress, often triggered by trivial matters such as the color of a dress or the choice of avocado toast toppings.
“The global community is clearly struggling,” says Dr. Flicker. “For instance, in the United States alone, almost 50% of adults were found to engage in online arguments over things like the best pizza topping, while simultaneously advocating for the mass extinction of pineapple. That’s not normal.”
But it’s not just social media squabbles and trivial disagreements. The study uncovered alarming trends in global behavior, such as an entire generation’s obsession with sending unsolicited political rants to family members over the holidays, as well as an uptick in random acts of violence triggered by slow checkout lines at coffee shops.
“People are literally going crazy,” says Dr. Flicker, who warns that these behaviors are becoming more widespread, with the average person spending over 25% of their day engaging in some form of compulsive and irrational emotional outburst, whether online or in public spaces.
Dr. Flicker was careful to note that GDS isn’t just about being angry or upset—it’s a condition that is worsening in severity. The new study also revealed that the vast majority of the population now suffers from “Self-Importance Disorder” (SID), a condition in which individuals believe their opinions on matters such as climate change or pizza toppings should be treated with the same level of gravitas as global policy decisions.
“People genuinely think their Facebook post about the latest viral video has the power to end a war or solve hunger,” Flicker explained. “That’s a dangerous level of disillusionment.”
While the scientific community debates potential treatments for GDS, including a radical new therapy called “Leave The House,” researchers are quick to point out that recovery may be impossible.
“It’s too late,” concluded Dr. Flicker, somberly. “Humanity is like a toddler with a chainsaw, and we’ve run out of safety scissors.”
As the study gains attention worldwide, many are wondering if this discovery will lead to large-scale societal changes—or if it will just fuel more viral TikToks about how much “everyone is losing their mind.”
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