Trump Preps for 2025 State of the Union by Watching the Home Shopping Network, Sources Confirm

March 4, 2025

Washington, D.C. – In what can only be described as a highly unconventional approach to preparing for one of the most important speeches of his presidency, former President Donald Trump has reportedly been spending his evenings tuning into the Home Shopping Network (HSN) to “study the art of persuasion” in anticipation of the 2025 State of the Union address.

According to close aides, the former commander-in-chief is taking a unique approach to refining his rhetoric, hoping to blend the “in-your-face charisma” of HSN hosts with his own bombastic speaking style. Sources close to Trump claim that he’s been glued to the network’s programming for hours each night, furiously scribbling notes in a notebook that features the words “Make America Shop Again” on the cover.

“He’s fascinated by how they can convince people to buy things like gold-plated kitchen gadgets or foot massagers that cost more than some people make in a week,” said an anonymous advisor. “He loves the energy and knows it’s the kind of pizzazz that will energize the base. Why else would anyone buy a ‘miracle’ oven mitt for $79.99?”

In a recent interview, Trump explained that watching HSN has been “a total game-changer.” He compared the home shopping hosts’ smooth delivery and ability to sell anything from diamond-studded spatulas to deluxe air fryers to his own ability to sell America’s “greatest comeback.”

“The trick is confidence,” Trump said, referring to a show featuring a heavily bejeweled blender. “When they tell you it’s the ‘last time this offer will ever exist,’ you feel like you have no choice but to buy it. Same with my State of the Union. People will have no choice but to agree with everything I say. It’s gonna be incredible, folks. You’ll see.”

Despite the bizarre nature of his preparation method, Trump has reportedly become more enthusiastic about his upcoming address than ever. “I’m thinking of introducing some new slogans for America—’The Best Economy, Like, Ever’ or maybe ‘Make The State of the Union Great Again’ or even ‘Sell America’s Soul, Again,’” he said. “I sold mine for a fantastic price. Enormous amount of money. I can do the same with America. We’ll have to see how the crowd reacts.”

In an ironic twist, sources say Trump’s preparation strategy could have a broader impact on American politics. Some have speculated that in future speeches, the president might even roll out “Trump-branded” products for mass distribution—like MAGA blenders or, more fittingly, Trump Tower-brand ties, promising the country will “never look better.”

“I think I’m on the cutting edge here,” Trump said, nodding proudly while watching a live demonstration of a revolutionary self-cleaning mop. “This country needs more than just policies; it needs a brand. A big, beautiful, shiny brand.”

As of now, Trump has yet to confirm whether he’ll also be auctioning off a set of custom Trump-branded state-of-the-union chairs for the 2025 address. “We’re looking into it,” a campaign spokesperson said. “It’s all about making America great again, one sale at a time.”