WASHINGTON D.C.— In an absolutely surreal scene reminiscent of Get Out, Marco Rubio reportedly had a moment of deep, existential crisis Friday as he witnessed the embarrassing spectacle of Donald Trump and his loyal cronies attacking Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky during a meeting at the White House.
Rubio, often considered a stalwart defender of the GOP establishment, found himself momentarily overcome by a speck of his fading humanity as he watched his colleagues — many of whom he had once shared a united front with — rip into Zelensky in an ambush that had all the decorum of a real housewives debate gone rogue.
The entire world was able to see Rubio experiencing the chilling moment as a “sudden, almost out-of-body experience” when the Secretary of State’s face briefly shifted from his customary, tightly controlled smirk to something resembling an expression of pure panic. “It was like in Get Out, when Chris realizes he’s about to be auctioned off,” said one anonymous staffer who witnessed the encounter in person. “Marco’s eyes widened, his hand twitched, like he was going to jump up and scream, ‘For the love of God, America, please stop!’”
Despite his fleeting moment of clarity, Rubio swiftly regained his political bearings, muffling his instincts with a tight-lipped nod of approval as Trump doubled down on his increasingly bizarre attacks against the Ukrainian leader, who is fighting for his country’s survival against Russian invasion.
Some would take a cue from Trump’s initial snide greeting of Zelensky when arriving to The White House House, “You’re all dressed up today,” referring to the clothes worn by a man that has been leading his country through years of war. Brian Glenn, White House toad, sucking on the nipples of pro-Trump network Real America’s Voice, asked the Trumpian question of why he chose not to wear a suit while visiting Glenn’s idol-in-office. Other sycophants laughed with glee. Rubio sat. The barrage of insults and attacks continued. Rubio sat. Zelensky’s honor was questioned. Rubio sat. A hero, fighting for his country’s freedom, was surrounded by cowardly bottom feeders seeking to assassinate a warrior’s good name. Rubio sat.
“Marco’s whole demeanor was like someone realizing they were the last person at a dinner party who hadn’t figured out the joke was on them,” the staffer continued. “But he just sat there, like he always does. Sitting the way he’s supposed to sit. Sitting the way he’s supposed to sit. Never stepping out of line.”
Rubio’s so-called “moment of humanity” comes at a time when Trump’s ongoing crusade against U.S. allies — not to mention his bizarre, self-aggrandizing antics on the world stage — have left many onlookers questioning the future of America. However, Rubio’s response, or lack thereof, remains typical for the Secretary of State known for his uncanny ability to maintain his composure no matter how absurd the situation becomes.
“Sure, there’s a brief second where you can almost see the humanity in Marco’s eyes,” said one analyst. “But he knows if he opens his mouth, the MAGA base will come for him like a mob of angry toddlers, and let’s face it, he is very aware Trump’s base is even more energized. Next time, they won’t just talk about hanging politicians. They’ll actually do it because they believe Trump will pardon them. And, honestly, they might be right.”
At press time and during interviews that followed, whatever creature had been inhabiting the decaying carcass of the Secretary of State returned, and most certainly not not the man who had just survived a near-death experience — but was too “polite” to say anything about it.
Instead, like a sad game of Marco Polo, whatever slivers of decency remained inside Rubio, they shrunk back into his shell and a demon reappeared, perhaps pulled out by the contaminated hands of Brian Glenn, or other filthy traded souls lingering in The Oval Office. The tongue that slithered out was brandishing Trumpian tones and tiny-tot-JD talking-points of needing Zelensky to apologize for “disrespectful” behavior in The White House. He rambled on by using commonly curated Russian propaganda, but it was already understood that any shred of Marco Rubio’s soul had slipped deep within a blank nothingness and possibly evaporated forever. Bye-bye, Rubio.
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