In an unexpected move, the Trump administration has announced an executive order banning snow across the United States, claiming that the once-pure and “patriotic” snow has become “woke” and is threatening the moral fabric of the nation.
“It’s no secret snow has changed,” said President Donald Trump during a brief address at his Mar-a-Lago resort, flanked by a group of attorneys and a snowman wearing a MAGA hat. “We all remember when snow was just white. Pure. Beautiful. Now, it’s out here being all liberal and woke, acting like it’s got something to prove. Like it’s ashamed of what it is. It’s time to take action to protect our children, our communities, and, frankly, our snow.”
According to sources within the administration, the ban will apply to all forms of natural snow — including flurries, blizzards, and light dustings — as well as any snow-based activities such as snowball fights, snowmen construction, and skiing. Under the new decree, states are required to actively prevent snowfall by deploying “snow cancellation squads” filled by ICE agents that will monitor the skies for any signs of snowflakes forming. Any area caught in the act of accumulating snow will face fines, and local governments will be urged to install heated sidewalks to melt any “unauthorized” precipitation.
“Snow used to be a symbol of American pride! White Christmas! Frosty the Snowman,” Trump added. “But now it’s out here, trying to be all inclusive and diverse, calling itself ‘global snow.’ We can’t allow it. We need to make snow great again.”
Trump’s comments, which critics have called deeply problematic, focus on the fact that snow is white. The president emphasized that snow should embrace its whiteness, and any attempt to make snow appear “less white” or “more diverse” is part of a larger, dangerous trend in American culture.
“Snow is supposed to be white, and proud of it,” Trump continued. “Now it’s getting all fluffy, acting like it’s not proud of its heritage. We can’t have that in America. Snow should be a shining example of the purity and greatness of whiteness — literally, in its case. It’s not rain. It’s not water. It’s not even ice. Anything else is a slippery slope.”
The move has raised eyebrows among climate scientists, meteorologists, and civil rights advocates. “This is beyond absurd,” said Dr. Wendy Greene, a leading climate scientist. “We’re facing a real environmental crisis, and banning snow won’t change the fact that our planet is warming. Snow isn’t woke. It’s just frozen water. The idea that it’s been ‘acting liberal’ is frankly ridiculous.”
The announcement has also led to heated debates on social media, where the hashtag #SnowIsWoke quickly gained traction. Snowplow drivers across the country have expressed concerns about how they’ll handle this new mandate, with one anonymous snowplow operator posting, “I don’t know how to clear the snow if it’s not even going to fall in the first place. Or, if I’m going to get arrested for simply doing my job. Do I get a refund on my salt?”
Another snowplow driver stated, “Even if snow was, or could be “woke,” that doesn’t mean snow is being forced to be anything else. It just means you should be more aware of the world around you. You’re not an island. Seriously. Is it that hard to understand?”
Despite the backlash, the Trump administration is moving forward with plans to replace snow with a “new, improved, all-American version of winter” — a synthetic, non-woke snow made from 100% American materials. The new snow is expected to be unveiled later this year at a rally where Trump plans to demonstrate its superiority by taking a snowball to the face.
“It’s going to be huge,” Trump said. “And it’s going to stay white. Just like America.”
The ban on snow is expected to face challenges in court, but for now, Americans will have to contend with a winter landscape devoid of snow, or at the very least, pretending it doesn’t exist, all in the name of preserving the purity of the season.
As the administration put it, “If it’s not white, it’s not right.”
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