Democrats Continue Strategy of Sending Old People with Monotone Voices on Stage in Hopes of Lulling MAGA Supporters to Sleep

“A nice long nap is what we all need,” says campaign strategist.

In a bold continuation of their failed 2024 campaign strategy, Democratic leaders have doubled down on sending elderly politicians with exceedingly calm, monotone voices to the stage in a deliberate attempt to wear down and lull MAGA supporters into a peaceful, restorative nap.

“This isn’t about exciting people or getting their hearts racing,” said Linda Faulkner, a senior campaign strategist. “We believe a nice, long nap is what we all need. Let’s face it, after a hard day of rallying behind President Trump, what’s more comforting than a slow, steady voice and a comforting message about Social Security?”

The tactic, which was first tested in early primaries, involves sending out politicians in their late 70s and early 80s, often wearing glasses perched just at the edge of their noses or ill-fitting suits. Their speeches are full of soothing, sleepy words like “Medicare,” “entitlement,” and “funding reform,” with pauses long enough for attendees to safely drift off. It has been so effective that one rallygoer was reportedly heard mumbling, “I think I’m going to take a quick nap, this feels like a good time to do so.”

Early results from focus groups have shown surprising success, with MAGA attendees found to be more likely to snooze rather than disrupt, leaving the crowd mysteriously docile as these speakers drone on about the dangers of “income inequality” and “climate change regulations.”

“The key is to keep it dull,” Faulkner explained. “If you over-energize the crowd, you risk waking them up. But when you hit that perfect monotone pitch, like you’re reading the phone book, they’re out like a light. You can literally hear the snoring, it’s beautiful.”

While the Republicans are countering with firebrand speeches from the likes of Marjorie Taylor Greene, who is rumored to be using a blend of “devil music” and “yelling” to keep the crowd alert, Democrats remain firm in their belief that a well-placed senior with a 60-minute lecture on the benefits of federal programs is the key to winning the battle for quietude.

“We’re not in the business of turning heads anymore,” said 79-year-old Richard Blumenthal, who had just wrapped up a speech in Connecticut. “We’re here to turn off minds. A few hours of good sleep can change everything.” 

Experts are still unsure how this strategy will play out in the long term, but in the short term, one thing is clear: sleep-deprived MAGA voters may just be the sleeper hit Democrats have been waiting for, as long as they don’t succumb to a lengthy slumber, as well.