Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking press conference earlier today, President Donald Trump boldly declared that he is “completely and utterly sin-free,” asserting that his personal “spiritual” journey has led him to the conclusion that sin simply doesn’t apply to him.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking about this, folks,” Trump began, standing behind a podium emblazoned with “#NoSinNoProblem.” “I’ve won a lot of things in my life—big things, tremendous things. And it turns out… I’ve never sinned. Not once. I’m what you would call, totally sin-free. It’s a beautiful thing, really.”
When asked by a reporter about specific actions he might have taken that some people could consider sinful, Trump shook his head with conviction. “I don’t even know what sin is. Honestly, if you look it up, sin is for people who don’t do great things. It’s for people to make themselves feel bad. I don’t need it. I’ve never needed it. I do great things and everything I do is to make this country great. So, sin doesn’t apply to me.”
Trump further explained that after years of studying religious texts and meeting with the “best pastors” (all of whom he described as “tremendously talented individuals”), he realized that by defending Christianity so passionately, he had effectively bypassed any possibility of wrongdoing.
“You know, I’ve been very vocal about how much I love Christianity,” Trump said with a wink. “I’ve done more for religion than anyone. And I know for a fact, when you do that, sin just… disappears. It’s like magic. It’s like, if you keep talking about how much you love something, that thing loves you back. You become untouchable, spiritually speaking.”
Asked if he would be seeking forgiveness or repenting for past actions, Trump scoffed. “Repentance is for people who’ve done something wrong, which I haven’t. It’s for losers. When you’re as great as me, repentance is like… a distant memory. You just don’t need it. Not when you’ve got faith, a great team, and some very big, very powerful prayers.”
In the midst of the press conference, Trump’s personal pastor, who reportedly once called him “a walking miracle,” backed him up. “It’s true. Trump’s level of faith is so strong, he’s basically immune to sin,” the pastor said, adjusting his oversized glasses. “I mean, have you seen the man? He’s a tower of virtue. He practically radiates righteousness.”
The announcement has left both his supporters and critics scratching their heads. “I mean, I thought everyone had to, like, ask for forgiveness,” said one bewildered evangelical leader.“But I guess when you’re that good at loving America, the rules just… don’t apply?”
At press time, Trump was reportedly planning a national tour called “The Sin-Free Life with Trump,” where he will teach followers how to avoid sin by, essentially, doing everything exactly the way he does it. The tour promises a series of self-help seminars, prayer breakfasts, and possibly a new book, for purchase, entitled Sin? Never Heard of Her.
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