Elon Musk’s DOGE Now Requires Federal Workers to Log Bathroom Breaks, Docking Pay to “Save Taxpayer Money”

Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to “maximize productivity and save taxpayer dollars,” Elon Musk announced today that federal employees are now required to log their bathroom breaks using a new DOGE-powered app. According to Musk, this measure is part of his latest initiative to reduce government spending.

“Every minute spent away from the desk is a minute taxpayers are paying for,” Musk stated on X. “With the new DOGE APP, we can track this behavior and make sure workers aren’t ‘abusing the system.’”

Under the new policy, each federal worker is required to scan a QR code with their phone before heading to the bathroom. The data will be logged on the DOGE app and using bathrooms that require employees to “scan in” before entering, with any bathroom breaks longer than five minutes resulting in a “small” pay dock. Musk assured reporters that the new system would be fully transparent, “because transparency is key, and the DOGE APP doesn’t lie.”

Federal workers have expressed mixed reactions to the new rule. “It’s ridiculous,” said one anonymous employee. “They’ve been tracking our emails, now our bathroom habits? What’s next? Deductions for lunch breaks?”

Musk’s team responded by claiming that the system would “investigate that idea, also. This technology will evolutionize government efficiency,” pointing to how the DOGE app’s ability to track microtransactions could ensure “more effective use of taxpayer resources.”

While critics have denounced the measure as an invasion of privacy, Musk remains undeterred. “I’m just trying to make sure we all stay productive,” he posted on X, alongside a photo of his new DOGE labeled space suit with a bathroom compartment connected to the backside containing an A.I.-powered wiper. “We can’t afford to waste time or money. Just ask anyone who’s used the bathroom at Tesla or SpaceX. We are literally wiping away to the future with American A.I. technology.”