Secretary of State Marco Rubio Lost in South American Jungle, Task Force was Created for Russian Meetings in the Middle East

Washington, D.C. — In an unexpected turn of events during his diplomatic tour of South America, Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reported missing for several hours in a dense jungle. Sources close to Rubio confirm that the incident occurred while he was attempting to “take some personal alone time.”

Rubio’s wandering occurred during a scheduled trip to meet with regional leaders about trade and security, but according to reports, he quickly became disoriented after attempting to make small talk in Portuguese and ordering a “café con leche” that he described as “a little too much milk.” Rubio’s aides were reportedly unaware of his detour until a text message surfaced from his phone that read, “Lost. Is this still Brazil? Also, why does everyone keep asking about football?” 

His team, initially baffled by his absence, was unable to track his location due to poor cell service and the overwhelming noise of what experts have described as “loud jungle sounds.” Rubio was reportedly discovered hours later by a local guide, attempting to navigate his way out of the jungle using only his iphone compass and a half-eaten granola bar.

“At one point, he was heard asking, ‘Is there a way to just get out of here without getting my suit dirty?’” said an unnamed staff member.

In response to this unexpected debacle, the State Department has established a new specialized task force aimed at preventing further incidents, especially in sensitive international regions. The task force, called the “Marco Rubio Global Safety & Navigation Initiative,” will focus on ensuring that Rubio doesn’t accidentally wander into dangerous or politically complicated zones, particularly during his meetings with Russian officials in the Middle East.

The new task force includes former Navy SEALs, CIA operatives, and a team of highly-trained cartographers who specialize in “Marco-proofing” areas of high geopolitical importance. 

“This is about keeping Secretary Rubio safe in places where diplomacy is delicate, like the Middle East and Russia,” said one insider. “It’s critical that we avoid situations like last week, where Rubio almost inadvertently started a diplomatic incident by getting lost in the jungle while trying to ‘just find the exit.’ We can’t risk that with someone like Putin.”

Experts warn that Rubio’s tendency to take spontaneous detours may be a growing concern for his international diplomacy. “When meeting with someone as unpredictable as Russian President Vladimir Putin, we need to be absolutely sure that Rubio won’t wander off into the desert or get distracted by a street vendor selling Middle East cuisine or Russian nesting dolls,” said an anonymous advisor.

Sources say that in addition to the task force, Rubio will be provided with a GPS system that includes “no-go” zones, along with a dedicated “hand-holder” for his upcoming diplomatic missions. 

As for Rubio, he is reportedly taking the incident in stride, posting: “I may have gotten lost in the jungle, but I’ll never get lost when it comes to fighting for democracy and freedom abroad. #JungleStrong.”

The State Department has not yet confirmed if Rubio will be issuing an official apology to the jungle for “straying from the path.”